I need to find my THING

Every successful weight loss story starts with the THING. You know the THING that made them realize how fat they were. Or the THING that made them wake up. Or the THING that was rock bottom.

Me? I have had plenty of THINGS. There was the time that I was curled up in the front of my truck, barely able to squeeze by fat self into a comfortable position, so I could enjoy the fourth eclair from the box I bought "for the kids". There was the time that I was walking down the street and could feel my top back fat rubbing against my side back fat. There was the time that I walked up the stairs at work and was having such a hard time breathing that I secretly wondered if that was what a heart attack felt like. There was the time that I jumped up and froze when I landed so I could see how long I jiggled (5 seconds in case you too are wondering). I mean seriously, how obese is someone that jiggles for 5 seconds after motion stops. 5 SECONDS!!!! But did any of those propel me into a life style of salads and fruit and no chocolate? Absolutely not.

I think I have disorder. A disorder that is the complete opposite of anorexia. My problem is that I don't see how fat I am; and I KNOW that I am. For some strange reason, I still choose to see myself as pretty and athletic instead of bloated and fat. The images I see of me are not real, just like an anorexic.

Reality is; I have never been thin but I was always okay with that. Seriously. My ideal self is 180 pound size 12 woman. At 180 pounds I was very comfortable and had no desire to lose weight. I was okay with the jiggle in my stomach and ass. I was okay with the double digit clothes. I was okay with it because I was healthy and I felt good. I could run 5 miles and go mountain biking and play soccer with the kids. I could eat a candy bar if I wanted to without any thoughts. Did you read that? Without ANY thoughts. I can't even think about the last time I ate something without debating it beforehand, eating it anyway, and then feeling guilty or angry for doing it. I mean seriously, is that sick or what. Why all the THINKING about food????!!!! It's ridiculous. And it appears, that ever since I have set out with goals about my eating habits, I have steadily climbed the scales. It's because every weekend I am going to start on Monday, and every Monday I am going to just finish off the day. And every Tuesday I am going to start on Friday, because Fridays were once lucky days for me. And now, at 225 pounds, I need to STOP thinking about the food. I need to STOP setting goals. I need to STOP obsessing about this.

One of my psychology professors once told us to NOT think about polar bears. Whatever we did or whatever we thought, we were NOT to think about polar bears. And guess what? Every newspaper, or yahoo or page, or text book, had a polar bear in it. Every hour in the day I thought about polar bears. I had all kinds of images in my head. Big polar bears. Little polar bears. Swimming polar bears. Playing polar bears. Get the picture? The more I was NOT to think about polar bears, the more I thought about them. The same goes for eating; "good" or "bad" eating.

So going forward: I am NOT going to think about food. I am never again going to write out what I will eat the next day. I will never again feel guilty about what I ate. I will never again waste any more energy on thinking about food.

Stay tuned.....