Posts
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Happiness and Heartbreak
A week ago this morning I was sitting in Hartford airport with the kids and Rylee, waiting for flight 823 to begin boarding. I was thinking about how quickly the idea of sending the kids off to South Dakota to visit their father had evolved into reality.
I know that in my Looking Forward post back in January, it was one of many things that would be happening for us in 2009, but by the time I had the money in hand to purchase tickets for them, they had pretty much decided that they did not want to go out there this summer. At that point (probably mid April) neither one of them had talked to Duane since Christmas Eve and they felt that there were more important things that the money could be used for....like summer clothes for everyone, a mini vacation to the ocean in June, and the last few seasons of the Friends series (they love that show!!). So we all dismissed the idea of them flying out to South Dakota to visit someone they hardly knew anymore.
The beginning of June, his birthday week, their feelings changed. They were really missing him and they had so many things they wanted to share with him ---- Molly getting braces and being accepted to McCann; Cody's school closing and him heading to high school in the fall, etc. The last phone number we had for him was disconnected. So, on his birthday, I called the number I found online for his father and left a long message stating that the kids had not talked to their father and that they just wanted to wish him a happy birthday and if he could just please get Duane the message and ask him to call the kids.
A few days later there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. The next day there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. Two days later there was a message on the answering from their dad. They still did not call him. I was a little confused but I did not push them to do something they obviously were not ready to do, so I kept my mouth shut (very surprising I know!) and I let them handle it their way and on their terms.
Then one day, when Rylee and I walked through the door they both pounced all excited saying that they talked to their dad and he had gotten the letters that they sent him and that he was working at a printing company now and that he couldn't believe Molly had to get braces and that he wished he could see Cody's first buck mounted on the wall and that he had saved money for them to go out there this summer. I was stunned he had saved money for them to go out there this summer....WHAT???? This summer is...is....is like......NOW.....like RIGHT now.
And just like that, two weeks later, we were sitting in Hartford airport waiting for their flight to begin boarding. I was excited for them and to be honest, a little excited for me too (a little break from being the lone parent is always a good thing, right?). Which is why I was completely surprised by the sinking stomach I got the second they called flight 823 for boarding. A lump suddenly manifested itself in my throat and my nose began burning as tears formed in my eyes. I gave them each a final hug, as did Rylee, and we watched them move through line and hand their ticket to the ticket agent. The burning in my nose began to subside and the lump was minimal. Rylee and I waited to watch the plane take off...she was so excited to see it.
The second the plane lifted off the ground, tears instantly sprang to my eyes and rolled down my cheek. Rylee wiped one away and reassured me that Molly would be back in a week and Cody in a month. So glad I had a four year old there to comfort me! We hugged and my tears dried up and we continued to watch.
Soon after, when the plane was no longer in sight, her and I walked back to the parking lot and headed home. We sang songs, we played the alphabet game and then I put a CD in and we both fell into our own thoughts. A few minutes later I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that she had fallen asleep. And then the gates opened. I felt my heart break into tiny pieces and I began balling. I cried for what seemed like forever. My kids were gone and I wouldn't see them for a long time. I was heartbroken.
But what I was feeling was nothing compared to what Rylee went through the next day. She was actually limp on Monday. She did not want to get out of bed in the morning. She wouldn't eat breakfast. I had to dress her and comb her hair and put on her shoes. She didn't have a fever. She wasn't coughing or sneezing. She wasn't complaining of a headache or bellyache. I had to carry her to the truck. She started crying when I pulled out of the driveway. She became hysterical when I pulled into the parking lot at daycare. Something was wrong. I sent her to her Grandmother's house for the morning and then I left work at noon to bring her home. She was still limp. She laid on the couch. She didn't want to watch a movie. She didn't want to watch Friends. She didn't want to go to dance class. Then it hit me....she was depressed. She was heartsick. I told her that Molly would be back on Sunday and Cody would be back at the end of the month. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She asks me if she could call Molly.
I dialed the number and handed her the phone. She was sitting in front of me, her shoulders slightly drooped. I heard the ringing and then Molly's voice say hello. Rylee whispered "Molly". Then I heard "Hi Rylee". A second later Rylee tells Molly that she misses her and Molly says she misses Rylee too. I see Rylee's shoulders drop lower, I hear her swallow hard, she says nothing for a while, finally she chokes out "I love you" and quickly hangs up, hands the phone to me, runs across the living room to the other couch, and collapses into tears. My poor girl. I scooped her up in my arms, held her head to my chest, and rocked her back and forth until the tears subsided. That was the worst of it for her.
Now, a week later, Rylee and I will be heading to Hartford again. This time to pick up Molly who will be flying in at 10:00 tonight. Aside from my fit on Sunday and Rylee's fit on Monday, it's actually been a good week but I am really, really looking foward to seeing her.
And so is Rylee.
I know that in my Looking Forward post back in January, it was one of many things that would be happening for us in 2009, but by the time I had the money in hand to purchase tickets for them, they had pretty much decided that they did not want to go out there this summer. At that point (probably mid April) neither one of them had talked to Duane since Christmas Eve and they felt that there were more important things that the money could be used for....like summer clothes for everyone, a mini vacation to the ocean in June, and the last few seasons of the Friends series (they love that show!!). So we all dismissed the idea of them flying out to South Dakota to visit someone they hardly knew anymore.
The beginning of June, his birthday week, their feelings changed. They were really missing him and they had so many things they wanted to share with him ---- Molly getting braces and being accepted to McCann; Cody's school closing and him heading to high school in the fall, etc. The last phone number we had for him was disconnected. So, on his birthday, I called the number I found online for his father and left a long message stating that the kids had not talked to their father and that they just wanted to wish him a happy birthday and if he could just please get Duane the message and ask him to call the kids.
A few days later there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. The next day there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. Two days later there was a message on the answering from their dad. They still did not call him. I was a little confused but I did not push them to do something they obviously were not ready to do, so I kept my mouth shut (very surprising I know!) and I let them handle it their way and on their terms.
Then one day, when Rylee and I walked through the door they both pounced all excited saying that they talked to their dad and he had gotten the letters that they sent him and that he was working at a printing company now and that he couldn't believe Molly had to get braces and that he wished he could see Cody's first buck mounted on the wall and that he had saved money for them to go out there this summer. I was stunned he had saved money for them to go out there this summer....WHAT???? This summer is...is....is like......NOW.....like RIGHT now.
And just like that, two weeks later, we were sitting in Hartford airport waiting for their flight to begin boarding. I was excited for them and to be honest, a little excited for me too (a little break from being the lone parent is always a good thing, right?). Which is why I was completely surprised by the sinking stomach I got the second they called flight 823 for boarding. A lump suddenly manifested itself in my throat and my nose began burning as tears formed in my eyes. I gave them each a final hug, as did Rylee, and we watched them move through line and hand their ticket to the ticket agent. The burning in my nose began to subside and the lump was minimal. Rylee and I waited to watch the plane take off...she was so excited to see it.
The second the plane lifted off the ground, tears instantly sprang to my eyes and rolled down my cheek. Rylee wiped one away and reassured me that Molly would be back in a week and Cody in a month. So glad I had a four year old there to comfort me! We hugged and my tears dried up and we continued to watch.
Soon after, when the plane was no longer in sight, her and I walked back to the parking lot and headed home. We sang songs, we played the alphabet game and then I put a CD in and we both fell into our own thoughts. A few minutes later I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that she had fallen asleep. And then the gates opened. I felt my heart break into tiny pieces and I began balling. I cried for what seemed like forever. My kids were gone and I wouldn't see them for a long time. I was heartbroken.
But what I was feeling was nothing compared to what Rylee went through the next day. She was actually limp on Monday. She did not want to get out of bed in the morning. She wouldn't eat breakfast. I had to dress her and comb her hair and put on her shoes. She didn't have a fever. She wasn't coughing or sneezing. She wasn't complaining of a headache or bellyache. I had to carry her to the truck. She started crying when I pulled out of the driveway. She became hysterical when I pulled into the parking lot at daycare. Something was wrong. I sent her to her Grandmother's house for the morning and then I left work at noon to bring her home. She was still limp. She laid on the couch. She didn't want to watch a movie. She didn't want to watch Friends. She didn't want to go to dance class. Then it hit me....she was depressed. She was heartsick. I told her that Molly would be back on Sunday and Cody would be back at the end of the month. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She asks me if she could call Molly.
I dialed the number and handed her the phone. She was sitting in front of me, her shoulders slightly drooped. I heard the ringing and then Molly's voice say hello. Rylee whispered "Molly". Then I heard "Hi Rylee". A second later Rylee tells Molly that she misses her and Molly says she misses Rylee too. I see Rylee's shoulders drop lower, I hear her swallow hard, she says nothing for a while, finally she chokes out "I love you" and quickly hangs up, hands the phone to me, runs across the living room to the other couch, and collapses into tears. My poor girl. I scooped her up in my arms, held her head to my chest, and rocked her back and forth until the tears subsided. That was the worst of it for her.
Now, a week later, Rylee and I will be heading to Hartford again. This time to pick up Molly who will be flying in at 10:00 tonight. Aside from my fit on Sunday and Rylee's fit on Monday, it's actually been a good week but I am really, really looking foward to seeing her.
And so is Rylee.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy Birthday Bryan: I Love and Miss You!!
Today is July 3rd.
And if it weren't for a tragic car accident on November 10, 1995, my brother Bryan would have turned 39 today.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some capacity. It could be a fleeting thought, a conversation with one of the kids, a song on the radio that triggers a memory, mistakenly calling Cody "Bryan", seeing a good friend of his, spotting a couple of deer out in a field, hearing a woman talk about her brother, seeing a young kid walking on the side of the road holding a fishing pole, hearing a commercial for Chilis or Red Lobster, someone talking about their vacation to Florida, seeing a Ford Mustang on the road, etc, etc. There are so many things that remind me of him and I am thankful for that because I would never not want to think about him. He was awesome. Really awesome.
The other night, after the hockey board meeting, I ran into a very, very good friend of Bryan's who was in town for a few days after attending a wedding last weekend. After a long hug and the normal pleasantries that occur when you haven't seen someone in a long time, the conversation of course got back to Bryan. And I am so glad it did because I heard a few stories I had never heard before. In turn, I relayed those stories to my father, who had never heard them which made him remember some stories that he shared with me (and the kids).
And hearing all those stories has made me remember Bryan in a more detailed way than the fleeting thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. It made me REALLY remember HIM and not just the idea of him. And as sad as it is, it is also very, very comforting to have him "close" again.
So today I wish him a Happy Birthday with a renewed memory of the fun-loving, sincere, good-hearted, funny, likable, hard-working, won't take shit from anyone, tough, hot hotted, hunting & fishing loving, brother that I miss so much.
And if it weren't for a tragic car accident on November 10, 1995, my brother Bryan would have turned 39 today.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some capacity. It could be a fleeting thought, a conversation with one of the kids, a song on the radio that triggers a memory, mistakenly calling Cody "Bryan", seeing a good friend of his, spotting a couple of deer out in a field, hearing a woman talk about her brother, seeing a young kid walking on the side of the road holding a fishing pole, hearing a commercial for Chilis or Red Lobster, someone talking about their vacation to Florida, seeing a Ford Mustang on the road, etc, etc. There are so many things that remind me of him and I am thankful for that because I would never not want to think about him. He was awesome. Really awesome.
The other night, after the hockey board meeting, I ran into a very, very good friend of Bryan's who was in town for a few days after attending a wedding last weekend. After a long hug and the normal pleasantries that occur when you haven't seen someone in a long time, the conversation of course got back to Bryan. And I am so glad it did because I heard a few stories I had never heard before. In turn, I relayed those stories to my father, who had never heard them which made him remember some stories that he shared with me (and the kids).
And hearing all those stories has made me remember Bryan in a more detailed way than the fleeting thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis. It made me REALLY remember HIM and not just the idea of him. And as sad as it is, it is also very, very comforting to have him "close" again.
So today I wish him a Happy Birthday with a renewed memory of the fun-loving, sincere, good-hearted, funny, likable, hard-working, won't take shit from anyone, tough, hot hotted, hunting & fishing loving, brother that I miss so much.
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