To the Man You Would Have Been

While lying in bed drifting off to sleep, I find myself thinking of you, again. Just like so many times on so many days throughout the year, but especially today. Every November 10th for the past 15 years. The thoughts I have this November 10th are different than usual though. I always think of the guy you were: the great, fun-loving, stubborn, competitive, well-rounded, super funny brother that I love so much.

This year, for some reason, my thoughts are consumed with the man you would have been. The uncle you would have been. The husband you would have been. And the amazing father you would have been.

This year I'm wondering what your trade would be, what truck you would drive, where you would be raising your family, what your house would look like, and how many times you would be here at home with us each year. I wonder if there would be family hunting trips, summer vacations, Thanksgiving dinners, and fight to the end Scrabble matches.

This year I'm wondering if you would be meeting Ronnie for opening day on Saturday, heading up to the Deerfield with Roger every spring, or fishing the Hoosac with Travis. I wonder if you would, every once in a while, have an all night poker game with all your high school buddies and if you would still be lucky like you were way back when.

This year my thoughts are somewhat selfish because I think about the brother you would be to me now. The sister-in-law I would have. The nieces and nephews I would have. And the cousins that Molly, Cody, Rylee, Josh, and Madelyn would love so much.

This year, instead of memories of who you were, I have images of who you would have been and this year, I miss that man more than ever.

"It rains the hardest on the people who deserve the most sunshine."

Struggling today but know that I will be fine. Gave myself four things to accomplish today and will start with another four tomorrow.

Inching My Way Back to Normal

I have felt, for a long time now, that I am just not where I need to be or doing what I need to be doing.  I have felt like there is something missing.  Like I don't belong.  I am not used to feeling that way.  I have always been secure with everything in my life.  Every decision, every move, every detail.  I never second guess myself or wonder if I made the right choices.  If I am not secure with something, I address it and move on.  

So these feelings of missing something, of not belonging, of questioning my life, are completely new to me.  Especially when everything in my life seems to be on the right track.  The kids re doing well (in fact, they are just awesome and I am so lucky to have such great kids), I am working towards my masters, work is alright, the house and yard are in order, and we finally have sleeping arrangements that work for all of us.  So what is up with these feelings of insecurity?

I have made so many changes in the last few years that are good, but along the way I feel as though I lost who I am.  Not in a bad way, just in a different way.  I figure I am growing and morphing into someone new that I don't really know yet and it will just take some time to realize who the new me is.  But maybe that is wrong.  Maybe I am just not taking the time to do the things that make me who I am, or have always been.

Cody and I took a ride with a good friend to her house in Heath on Friday night.  I was in the passenger seat so I was able to look around and observe the area.  An area that I forgot how much I love.  As we drove along Route 2, winding our way back and forth along the Deerfield River, I could look up and see the spectacular contrast of the river running deep in the valley of mountains.  It brought me back in time and that felt good.

Then on Sunday the kids and I and some friends headed back up to the Deerfield to go tubing.  It was an awesome afternoon, and weekend, and a sweet reminder that I need to take time for the things that I enjoy....which will get me back to where I need to be.

Birthday Wishes

Another year has come and gone without you by our sides

Missing you every day but especially today on your birthday

...and especially this week when the raw memories are heightened by Jacob's death and burial

Emotionally Charged Week

The death of a teenager is heart-wrenching.

The death of teenager at his own hands is heart-wrenching.

The death of teenager who is a classmate to my daughter is heart-wrenching.

The death of a family friend's grandson is heart-wrenching.

The death of friend's best friend's son is heart-wrenching.

The death of a relative to many people we know is heart-wrenching.

The death of a 15 year old who writes "Goodbye" on his Facebook page is haunting.

For the life of me, I can not stop thinking about this boy and his family.

Only the Good Die Young

I am overcome with such raw sadness. Another young, bright, well-rounded, and gorgeous kid has died from our area. I didn't know him and I don't know his family but it still breaks my heart that his life was so abruptly halted. I feel such empathy for his parents who are probably in a state of disbelief. It brings me back to my brother's death and the pain and heartbreak of losing someone so awesome. I am sick to my stomach imagining how it must feel to lose your child.

This tragedy has been on the minds of so many. Every conversation, with every person I have talked with since yesterday involved talk about this kid, the accident, his parents, etc. Through all those conversations, I have talked and listened without ever shedding a tear. Until now. Now I just looked up the RIP site on facebook for him and now it brings a reality to it. You see pictures of him at a track meet, at a dance, with friends. There's even a comment from him on one of the pictures. Now it is real. This was a real kid, with real parents, who had the whole world before him. Now the tears are flowing, my heart is breaking, and the question of WHY is repeating itself in my head.

Saying Goodbye, Again

You would think that after 10 years of hockey, this time of year would get easier for me and the kids. The time of year I am referring to isn't spring but the end of our hockey season. Our last game was on Sunday. I write that with the heaviest of heart.

The game itself was incredible. It was the championship game (in our division), the kids played together as a team, they played hard the entire game, the score was back and forth, and our superstarts eventually won it in the last 18 seconds of the game. There were unfair calls, a few punches thrown, a player ejected and his mother getting heckled by the ref. Heck, Molly even got into a tumble during the game and only stopped when a couple of teammates broke it up and held her back. It was awesome!

But that hockey game was the end. The end of being intertwined with these families that we have seen four or five days a week since September. The end of Bantam hockey. The end of this group of kids and this group of familes.

We still have the two more hockey events before the season officially ends. We have the Falcons game on Friday where the team will be honored between periods, and we still have the end of year banquet. By then, though, the kids will be already focused on spring sports like lacrosse and baseball and us parents will be "catching up" rather than being fully engulfed with each other's lives.

I think the real dread I feel is the fact that this is the last year of a full season hockey team for my kids. They move up to Midget level next year which is a split season because of high school hockey. High school hockey means a whole different level of hockey that I'm just not ready for....not today anyway. Today, I want this season to remain, I want the kids to stop growing older, and I want Rylee to start playing so I can get 10 more years of Black Bears Hockey!