8.8 miles yesterday!

It's been tough training for this half because I can only run once a week. My feet can't take more than that. They need the recovery days! The race is next weekend and I only have one more day of running to prepare!!!!

I am hoping to run (I say run but it's really a run/walk combo) 11.5 miles on Monday or Tuesday and then I'll have the race on Sunday morning. I just want to be able to complete in less than 3 hours and feel somewhat confident I will.

Prepping for the Half

So I did great this morning. Went to the YMCA at 5:30 after dropping Cody of at early morning hockey practice and did an hour of nautilus and weights. Three sets of 10-12 reps doing 12 different exerices. After dropping Rylee off to school, I went back to the Y and ran 2 miles in less than 22 minutes followed by spinning where I did 17 miles in 45 minutes. After that I jumped into the pool and did 12 laps in 22 minutes.

Procrastinating Princess

I am procrastinating. Right now, right this minute, I am supposed to be running/walking part of the 6 miles I committed to doing this morning. At 7:00. It's now 7:30. I'm sitting at the computer writing this entry rather than just getting my fatass out there in the freezing wind to begin my half marathon training. Technically, it began two weeks ago but after two days of following the training schedule I created for myself, I got the stomach bug which lasted three days and then I could feel the beginning of plantar fascitis kicking in. That gave me something I didn't realize I wanted...my excuse set to NOT train. I've done nothing since. But that changes today - I HOPE!

To the Man You Would Have Been

While lying in bed drifting off to sleep, I find myself thinking of you, again. Just like so many times on so many days throughout the year, but especially today. Every November 10th for the past 15 years. The thoughts I have this November 10th are different than usual though. I always think of the guy you were: the great, fun-loving, stubborn, competitive, well-rounded, super funny brother that I love so much.

This year, for some reason, my thoughts are consumed with the man you would have been. The uncle you would have been. The husband you would have been. And the amazing father you would have been.

This year I'm wondering what your trade would be, what truck you would drive, where you would be raising your family, what your house would look like, and how many times you would be here at home with us each year. I wonder if there would be family hunting trips, summer vacations, Thanksgiving dinners, and fight to the end Scrabble matches.

This year I'm wondering if you would be meeting Ronnie for opening day on Saturday, heading up to the Deerfield with Roger every spring, or fishing the Hoosac with Travis. I wonder if you would, every once in a while, have an all night poker game with all your high school buddies and if you would still be lucky like you were way back when.

This year my thoughts are somewhat selfish because I think about the brother you would be to me now. The sister-in-law I would have. The nieces and nephews I would have. And the cousins that Molly, Cody, Rylee, Josh, and Madelyn would love so much.

This year, instead of memories of who you were, I have images of who you would have been and this year, I miss that man more than ever.

"It rains the hardest on the people who deserve the most sunshine."

Struggling today but know that I will be fine. Gave myself four things to accomplish today and will start with another four tomorrow.

Inching My Way Back to Normal

I have felt, for a long time now, that I am just not where I need to be or doing what I need to be doing.  I have felt like there is something missing.  Like I don't belong.  I am not used to feeling that way.  I have always been secure with everything in my life.  Every decision, every move, every detail.  I never second guess myself or wonder if I made the right choices.  If I am not secure with something, I address it and move on.  

So these feelings of missing something, of not belonging, of questioning my life, are completely new to me.  Especially when everything in my life seems to be on the right track.  The kids re doing well (in fact, they are just awesome and I am so lucky to have such great kids), I am working towards my masters, work is alright, the house and yard are in order, and we finally have sleeping arrangements that work for all of us.  So what is up with these feelings of insecurity?

I have made so many changes in the last few years that are good, but along the way I feel as though I lost who I am.  Not in a bad way, just in a different way.  I figure I am growing and morphing into someone new that I don't really know yet and it will just take some time to realize who the new me is.  But maybe that is wrong.  Maybe I am just not taking the time to do the things that make me who I am, or have always been.

Cody and I took a ride with a good friend to her house in Heath on Friday night.  I was in the passenger seat so I was able to look around and observe the area.  An area that I forgot how much I love.  As we drove along Route 2, winding our way back and forth along the Deerfield River, I could look up and see the spectacular contrast of the river running deep in the valley of mountains.  It brought me back in time and that felt good.

Then on Sunday the kids and I and some friends headed back up to the Deerfield to go tubing.  It was an awesome afternoon, and weekend, and a sweet reminder that I need to take time for the things that I enjoy....which will get me back to where I need to be.

Birthday Wishes

Another year has come and gone without you by our sides

Missing you every day but especially today on your birthday

...and especially this week when the raw memories are heightened by Jacob's death and burial

Emotionally Charged Week

The death of a teenager is heart-wrenching.

The death of teenager at his own hands is heart-wrenching.

The death of teenager who is a classmate to my daughter is heart-wrenching.

The death of a family friend's grandson is heart-wrenching.

The death of friend's best friend's son is heart-wrenching.

The death of a relative to many people we know is heart-wrenching.

The death of a 15 year old who writes "Goodbye" on his Facebook page is haunting.

For the life of me, I can not stop thinking about this boy and his family.

Only the Good Die Young

I am overcome with such raw sadness. Another young, bright, well-rounded, and gorgeous kid has died from our area. I didn't know him and I don't know his family but it still breaks my heart that his life was so abruptly halted. I feel such empathy for his parents who are probably in a state of disbelief. It brings me back to my brother's death and the pain and heartbreak of losing someone so awesome. I am sick to my stomach imagining how it must feel to lose your child.

This tragedy has been on the minds of so many. Every conversation, with every person I have talked with since yesterday involved talk about this kid, the accident, his parents, etc. Through all those conversations, I have talked and listened without ever shedding a tear. Until now. Now I just looked up the RIP site on facebook for him and now it brings a reality to it. You see pictures of him at a track meet, at a dance, with friends. There's even a comment from him on one of the pictures. Now it is real. This was a real kid, with real parents, who had the whole world before him. Now the tears are flowing, my heart is breaking, and the question of WHY is repeating itself in my head.

Saying Goodbye, Again

You would think that after 10 years of hockey, this time of year would get easier for me and the kids. The time of year I am referring to isn't spring but the end of our hockey season. Our last game was on Sunday. I write that with the heaviest of heart.

The game itself was incredible. It was the championship game (in our division), the kids played together as a team, they played hard the entire game, the score was back and forth, and our superstarts eventually won it in the last 18 seconds of the game. There were unfair calls, a few punches thrown, a player ejected and his mother getting heckled by the ref. Heck, Molly even got into a tumble during the game and only stopped when a couple of teammates broke it up and held her back. It was awesome!

But that hockey game was the end. The end of being intertwined with these families that we have seen four or five days a week since September. The end of Bantam hockey. The end of this group of kids and this group of familes.

We still have the two more hockey events before the season officially ends. We have the Falcons game on Friday where the team will be honored between periods, and we still have the end of year banquet. By then, though, the kids will be already focused on spring sports like lacrosse and baseball and us parents will be "catching up" rather than being fully engulfed with each other's lives.

I think the real dread I feel is the fact that this is the last year of a full season hockey team for my kids. They move up to Midget level next year which is a split season because of high school hockey. High school hockey means a whole different level of hockey that I'm just not ready for....not today anyway. Today, I want this season to remain, I want the kids to stop growing older, and I want Rylee to start playing so I can get 10 more years of Black Bears Hockey!

Saying Goodbye to Ben

As I stood near the swinging door into the hockey rink, I looked out across the ice to the group of spectators standing near the zamboni doors. It was the third period of the high school hockey game and the group of about 10 familiar faces were obviously very excited about the goalie that had just skated across the ice to assume his position. This was his first hockey game, ever. A couple of the people were taking pictures with their cell phones, a few had huge smiles on their faces, and I could see the jokester of the group saying something that had the rest of them cracking up. I imagine it was some kind of comment about how frightened the first-time goalie may be.

Seeing the camaraderie of this group put a smile on my face. It warmed my heart to see such enjoyment and ease between them, especially since my kids were a part of it. These are people that have, in a wonderful way, become a part of my life as a hockey mom in this rink. And as quickly as that smile naturally formed at my lips, tears sprung to my eyes. I was caught off-guard by the stinging in my throat and the welled up eyelids. Seeing the group made me happy but at the same time, it hit me that this would be the very last time I would see this group together like that. You see, one person standing there leaning against the glass, intently watching the game, and keeping everyone laughing with his spot-on humor, is leaving.

I can't recall when exactly Ben became such an important part of our rink life but I do know that over the past five years that he has worked at the rink, his interaction with my family has evolved into something that the kids and I will not soon forget. And all four of us are going to miss him. Especially Cody and Rylee.

Rylee, who at five years old doesn't know life without the hockey rink and Ben, flirts, teases, kicks, hugs, scares, and harasses poor Ben every time he is there. Some of the first words she learned to spell and write were: Ben, is, a, and baby. She has mastered drawing spiders just to scare him. She can get close to him by pretending to want a hug and then haul off and kick him before running quickly away, hysterically laughing and amused by her own trickery. And she has made sure that as long has Ben has his blue coat, he will never forget her since she streaked the back shoulder of it with a glue stick. Rylee, who has a huge spirit and loves with all her heart and soul, is definitely going to feel a hole when he's gone. I feel quite confident, that with her memory, she will be telling "Ben" stories well into her teenage years. He's been that much a part of her young life.

Cody, who some swear lives at the rink, is really going to miss Ben. Again, I can't recall when exactly they became such good "friends", or whatever it should be called, but I have to say that he enjoys listening to Ben's stories and receiving his own dose of harassment from him. Ben has really been somewhat of a Big Brother to Cody. He has taken him to a couple of River Rats games, harasses the crap out of him, embarrasses him (or tries to), wrestles with him, and throws insult left and right. But Cody loves it and I know that although he isn't showing it, he's upset that Ben's time at the rink is coming to an end way too quickly.

To be honest, it's coming to an end too quickly for many of us.

Never Forgotten

There are a handful of days or events from my past where I remember every detail of where I was, how I was feeling, who was there, what was said, etc. When recalling the memories, I sometimes feel the same excitement, fear, sadness, or happiness just as if the day were repeating itself in the here and now. My wedding, the birth of each of my children, the explosion of the Space Shuttle Challenger, the shooting of President Reagan, the shootings at Columbine, and of course 9/11.

November 10th, 1995 is one of those days. A day that I vividly remember everything that happened the entire day, the entire night, the entire weekend, and the entire week that followed.

I worked that day but left early because I hadn't felt any movement from the baby that was a week overdue. My mother picked me up when she got out of work at 3:00 to bring me to the hospital so they could check on things. The nurse reassured me that the baby was very active and everything was fine. So we left, I dropped my mother off at her house since I was using her car (my brother had borrowed mine for a few weeks and my husband worked 2nd shift so he had our truck), I picked up Molly from daycare, and we went home.

After I fed her, played with her, bathed her, read to her, and put her to bed, I sat on the rocking chair in my living room surprised that I was still awake. I remembered that my brother hadn't called me back the night before like he said he was going to so I figured I'd give him a call. I got his answering machine and left a message. I didn't have anything important to discuss with him and we talked four or five times a week, even though it was long distance, and I was bored.

After reading the paper I went to bed and fell right asleep. A little while the phone next to my bed rang. Still asleep, I picked up and said hello. My mother was on the other end and asked me if I could bring her car to her. Obviously, I was quite confused as to why she needed her car all of a sudden but she just kept telling me that she wanted me to bring it over to her. Knowing something was wrong, I finally just asked her what was going on. That was when she broke down and said that my brother Bryan had been killed in a car accident.

I remember feeling the stinging in my nose as the tears welled up in my eyes. I remember feeling my stomach drop. I remember questioning "what?", and then "how", and "when". I remember saying "oh my god, oh my god" and then I remember thinking that I had to get control of myself and saying and repeating "I can't think about this right now" to which my mother replied "no Shelley, you need to". I asked if she had called my father and she said yes. I told her I'd be right over.

I hung up from her and called my father but neither one of us could say anything. I finally just said that I would see him at my mother's house. Then I called my husband's work. His supervisor answered the phone and I asked for Duane. He was all excited and asked me if I was having the baby to which I replied "No, but it's really important". He quickly got Duane and I told him the news and said that I would meet him at my mother's house. Before I had time to process anymore, I called my best friend. The first thing she asked me was if I was having the baby. I told her no and then told her that Bryan had died.

I grabbed Molly from her crib and loaded her and a bag of clothes into the car. I remember driving up Curran Highway and staring off into the fields wishing it were all a dream. I met up with everyone at the house. Within the hour the house was full of aunts, uncles, and close family friends. My mother was rightfully distraught. My father was withdrawn. My husband was quiet. And I was in the bedroom trying desperately to reach my sister. She lived in Maryland I knew that trying to reach her on a Friday night was going to be tough. In between phone calls to her answering machine and friends of friends that might know where she was, I was calling the airlines to book a flight for the next morning.

When I wasn't talking to her friends, or the airlines, I was trying to reach the police department in Rochester, NY that handled the accident. I wanted, or needed, to know what had happened. "Had he been drinking?" was the question that I really wanted to know (another day I may post why that was so important to me). It took many calls, many of which were 911 operators, before I was finally able to speak to an officer that had been at the scene. His assumption was that Bryan had been hunting and may have fallen asleep at the wheel. There were no other cars involved. I didn't ask details about the accident, probably because I was somewhat relieved that alcohol may not have been involved.

At some point during the night I was finally able to speak with Jessica. While talking with her, I realized why my mother had tried to get me to come to her house when she had called me earlier, she didn't want to give that kind of news over the phone, and I felt the same way. By the time I exited from the bedroom, most of our friends and relatives had left. I went to bed and tried to sleep, not too successfully.

Before daybreak, while still lying awake in bed I remember thinking "opening day". It was the first day of deer season in Vermont and it just didn't seem right that Bryan would never hunt again.

My parents went to the airport that day. Hearing my mother bawl while taking a shower was excrutiating. A few more people stopped by the house. Relatives, close friends who heard from friends, the funeral director. I went to Walmart to buy paper plates, knapkins, coffee. I ran into my mother's neighbor who was surprised to see that I was still pregnant. She had assumed that with all the cars and activity at the house that I had had the baby. "No, no baby yet". It was becoming an automatic response.

I slept a little better that night. Woke up at 5:00 with contractions. Knowing that it would be hours before the baby would come, I didn't say anything to my husband so he could go hunting for a few hours. I kept the pains to myself over the next couple of hours until my parents left for the funeral parlor so they could make all the arrangements and pick out a casket. The obituary ran in the Sunday paper so more people came by the house, mostly friends of my father's. I tried to play hostess but it was getting more and more difficult with the contractions increasing, both in frequency and pain. My friend Sue stopped by with a plate of food and she took over my hostesting duties. I remember sitting on the corner of the couch, tryint to focus on what my long lost uncle was trying to say to me but thinking "oh my god, will you just shut the hell up, do I look like I care about your stupid story". He had no clue.

The contractions were getting pretty painful so I tried walking them off a little but that just increased the pain and decreased the time between them so I sat back down. Soon my parents got home. My father panicked when he saw that I was in labor. He went in search of my husband, who was still hunting. I wasn't worried, I knew he'd be back soon, he never stayed in the woods that long. He was an amateur.

The television was on and I started to watch the Dolphins vs Patriot game. Once they got back, we headed to the hospital. ALL OF US. My mother, my father, my husband, my friend Sue. The nurse was not happy to have all those people in the room, especially my father who was going through all the cabinets, trying on safety glasses, or my husband who was turning the tv to the football game. She tried to tell him that it was my day and he should not worry about the game to which he replied "she told me to put the game on".

Soon the doctor came in to check on my progress. He broke my water and told me that the baby would be coming within the next hour. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl but we were all, quietly thinking to ourselves that it would be a boy.  And it was. 

Wordless Wednesday: Hangin Around

Welcome Home

The first night of hockey practice at our rink a few weeks ago felt good. I quickly scanned the chaos as I walked through the large doors. A group of parents who probably hadn't seen each other since March were catching up. A few of the older, now much taller, Bantams were horsing around and teasing each other. Three hockey dads, whose kids are new to our league were conversing, probably dissing the program they left. A steady line of traffic was in and out at the Skate Shop, getting new socks, new mouth guards, skates sharpened, and looking through a large box of equipment, hoping to find pants or shoulder pads that fit better than the ones currently tossed beside their worn out hockey bags. One hockey mom, with her now walking toddler, was opening up the snack bar ready to brew the first of many, many pots of coffee this season.

Looking around gave me a small jolt of excitement but that small jolt failed in comparison to the feeling I got on Sunday morning. It was the first game and it was a home game. As I climbed the bleachers, with Rylee by my side, I felt a wave of pure happiness rush through my heart. I am not sure if it was the excitement of watching the kids play again. Or the anticipation of seeing how this group of kids play as a team under a new head coach. Or seeing new faces scattered among faces that I have known for years and years. Or just that I LOVE HOCKEY so much but it was definite happiness. And it felt great to be among these people, at this rink, watching these kids play hockey.

A fellow hockey mom must have been feeling it too because I heard her say "it's like we're back at our second home". So true! ........and there is absolutely no place else I'd rather be.

Wordless Wednesday: Archery with the Girls

Floating Along With a Little Help

I never saw myself here. To be honest, I never really saw myself anywhere. I am just not one of those people who has goals and follows them, for the most part. I kinda just float through life, work hard, enjoy my friends and family, and see where life takes me. It's not a bad thing. It works for me. But every once in a while, I sit and think about where I am. Most of the time, I am in a good place. Sometimes, I am in a slump but know that things are okay. Every once in a while, I just can't bring myself out of a funk...but only for a couple of days.

Today? Today I am in a slump, and I'm not really sure why. Work is going well. Home is the most organized and clean and in-need-of-repairs free it has been in years. The kids are awesome. I am feeling healthy, eating right and exercising. BUT, something just isn't sitting right inside myself today.

I wasn't really sure what it was until about an hour ago. That was when I was skimming the Help Wanted ads and spotted "OFFICE MANAGER of medical practice". Something I have done and enjoyed. Something that paid well and challenged me. For a split second, I thought about sending a resume, just for the heck of it. Not half an hour later, Cody was reading the paper and read the same ad out loud to me. So I started to really think about it. And I started weighing out my options (as if I was offered the position already - what a dork!). And what I came up with is kind of sad and disappointing. And definitely eye-opening.

Right now, I work 30 hours a week at one of the largest employers in the area. The pay is not great but the benefits are tremendous, the commute is a mere 3 miles, the people are awesome, and the work is easy. Too easy. But that is okay because I knew when I started that it was an entry level position and my foot in the door. My history with employment has always been that I start off low on the totem pole but move up rather quickly, in pay and responsibility. It has always worked for me. And to be honest, when I started here, I was still in school full time, my house was a disaster, the kids and I were dealing with not one, not two, but FOUR major life changes in the span of just 9 months, and I really just needed a no-stress position, close to home and school. It was perfect.

Except that I can not provide for my family. Not without help. Help in the form of food stamps, MassHealth insurance, daycare vouchers, and fuel assistance. So I provide the love and shelter but the government provides pretty much the rest of life's necessities for me and my children. Just. Great. Most times, I know that the help was designed for people like me. People working and honest and not scamming the system. But every once in a while, I feel like a failure. And when that happens I start to question my choices in life. Like "maybe I shouldn't have left a promising career in DC to move back home to family after the birth of my first child". Or "maybe I should have just stayed working at that awful doctor's office 45 minutes away instead of quitting after I passed the teachers test to finish school". And the best one "maybe I shouldn't have pushed away from failed relationships". Those questions answer themselves though. I made those choices, not based on money, but based on love and based on the fact that not making those choices would have made me and the kids different people. And I like who we are. And so do they. But still.....

.....somedays I hate having to depend on the government. So when I see the job like I did today. I think about what it would take. There's a line that can't be crossed. Make too much and you get cut off. I rolled the numbers around in my head and what I came up with is....I need to make $20,000 per year more than I do now, just to maintain the life we have now (which isn't much but we are fine with that). So, the job probably would pay about that, but then I would be working 40+ hours per week and I would be traveling 45 minutes each way. Now I have carved into a large portion of my family time, time that I never get back. Time that I watch them play hockey, lacrosse, soccer, and gymnastics. Time that I drive them to doctor, physical therapy, and orthodontist appointments. Time that I am just not willing to give up so I can feel like I don't have to depend on the someone, or something else. Sometimes, it is okay to not be so independent all the time. And sometimes, I need to give myself a break.

So, no resume will be sent. No interview will be had. I know I am where I am supposed to be and I have faith that when the time is right, I'll cross that line with a position and the income that will make it worth it for me and the kids. Until then, I'll just have to deal with the occasional "slumps".....by writing things out or talking with a friend. Thanks for reading.

Wordless Wednesday: Girl and Best Friend

She's Home!!!!!

Happiness and Heartbreak

A week ago this morning I was sitting in Hartford airport with the kids and Rylee, waiting for flight 823 to begin boarding. I was thinking about how quickly the idea of sending the kids off to South Dakota to visit their father had evolved into reality.

I know that in my Looking Forward post back in January, it was one of many things that would be happening for us in 2009, but by the time I had the money in hand to purchase tickets for them, they had pretty much decided that they did not want to go out there this summer. At that point (probably mid April) neither one of them had talked to Duane since Christmas Eve and they felt that there were more important things that the money could be used for....like summer clothes for everyone, a mini vacation to the ocean in June, and the last few seasons of the Friends series (they love that show!!). So we all dismissed the idea of them flying out to South Dakota to visit someone they hardly knew anymore.

The beginning of June, his birthday week, their feelings changed. They were really missing him and they had so many things they wanted to share with him ---- Molly getting braces and being accepted to McCann; Cody's school closing and him heading to high school in the fall, etc. The last phone number we had for him was disconnected. So, on his birthday, I called the number I found online for his father and left a long message stating that the kids had not talked to their father and that they just wanted to wish him a happy birthday and if he could just please get Duane the message and ask him to call the kids.

A few days later there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. The next day there was a message on the answering machine from their dad. He left his number. They did not call him. Two days later there was a message on the answering from their dad. They still did not call him. I was a little confused but I did not push them to do something they obviously were not ready to do, so I kept my mouth shut (very surprising I know!) and I let them handle it their way and on their terms.

Then one day, when Rylee and I walked through the door they both pounced all excited saying that they talked to their dad and he had gotten the letters that they sent him and that he was working at a printing company now and that he couldn't believe Molly had to get braces and that he wished he could see Cody's first buck mounted on the wall and that he had saved money for them to go out there this summer. I was stunned he had saved money for them to go out there this summer....WHAT???? This summer is...is....is like......NOW.....like RIGHT now.

And just like that, two weeks later, we were sitting in Hartford airport waiting for their flight to begin boarding. I was excited for them and to be honest, a little excited for me too (a little break from being the lone parent is always a good thing, right?). Which is why I was completely surprised by the sinking stomach I got the second they called flight 823 for boarding. A lump suddenly manifested itself in my throat and my nose began burning as tears formed in my eyes. I gave them each a final hug, as did Rylee, and we watched them move through line and hand their ticket to the ticket agent. The burning in my nose began to subside and the lump was minimal. Rylee and I waited to watch the plane take off...she was so excited to see it.

The second the plane lifted off the ground, tears instantly sprang to my eyes and rolled down my cheek. Rylee wiped one away and reassured me that Molly would be back in a week and Cody in a month. So glad I had a four year old there to comfort me! We hugged and my tears dried up and we continued to watch.

Soon after, when the plane was no longer in sight, her and I walked back to the parking lot and headed home. We sang songs, we played the alphabet game and then I put a CD in and we both fell into our own thoughts. A few minutes later I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that she had fallen asleep. And then the gates opened. I felt my heart break into tiny pieces and I began balling. I cried for what seemed like forever. My kids were gone and I wouldn't see them for a long time. I was heartbroken.

But what I was feeling was nothing compared to what Rylee went through the next day. She was actually limp on Monday. She did not want to get out of bed in the morning. She wouldn't eat breakfast. I had to dress her and comb her hair and put on her shoes. She didn't have a fever. She wasn't coughing or sneezing. She wasn't complaining of a headache or bellyache. I had to carry her to the truck. She started crying when I pulled out of the driveway. She became hysterical when I pulled into the parking lot at daycare. Something was wrong. I sent her to her Grandmother's house for the morning and then I left work at noon to bring her home. She was still limp. She laid on the couch. She didn't want to watch a movie. She didn't want to watch Friends. She didn't want to go to dance class. Then it hit me....she was depressed. She was heartsick. I told her that Molly would be back on Sunday and Cody would be back at the end of the month. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She asks me if she could call Molly.

I dialed the number and handed her the phone. She was sitting in front of me, her shoulders slightly drooped. I heard the ringing and then Molly's voice say hello. Rylee whispered "Molly". Then I heard "Hi Rylee". A second later Rylee tells Molly that she misses her and Molly says she misses Rylee too. I see Rylee's shoulders drop lower, I hear her swallow hard, she says nothing for a while, finally she chokes out "I love you" and quickly hangs up, hands the phone to me, runs across the living room to the other couch, and collapses into tears. My poor girl. I scooped her up in my arms, held her head to my chest, and rocked her back and forth until the tears subsided. That was the worst of it for her.

Now, a week later, Rylee and I will be heading to Hartford again. This time to pick up Molly who will be flying in at 10:00 tonight. Aside from my fit on Sunday and Rylee's fit on Monday, it's actually been a good week but I am really, really looking foward to seeing her.

And so is Rylee.

Michael Jackson: What I Will Remember Most