In the Blink of an Eye

Saturday morning I sat at my dining room table and looked out the bay window and for what seems like the first time, I noticed the lilac bushes to the left of my yard. As much as I love the beauty of nature, I have never found the inclination to prune or garden or educate myself in anything having to do with gardening. In fact, if it were not for the fact that I feel every sinus cavity instantly fill up when I am around bloomed lilacs, I probably wouldn't even know the name of the pretty flowers that bloom from those bushes every spring.

But this spring feels different to me. Or maybe I feel differently this spring. This spring, I have a an urge to do things to the yard. Things that are foreign to me. Like follow through with Molly's desire to have a garden. Like cut away at the dead branches from the three towering pine trees that separate my yard from the neighbor's straight behind me. Like tame the wild overgrown lilac bushes before they start to bud.

"Before they start to bud". That was what shocked me when I looked out the same bay window on Sunday morning. There were buds on the lilac bushes. Just. Like. That. Saturday morning, no buds. Sunday morning, buds.

Monday morning was a whole new experience. As I drove through town I felt a quiet excitement growing inside my belly. Everywhere I turned I saw buds and leaves and blooming trees. And then I remember how much I love this short span of time every spring. It is so magical and I want to share.

Main Street with blooming trees

Looking up the street where we live

A beautiful and very historical cemetery

And there you have it. Spring has sprung...in the blink of an eye.

Try As I May; Try As I Might...

...I just can't stop thinking about the desserts in my sight.

In the spirit of my wish to become a healthy person this year, I try to keep at least one piece of fruit on my desk at all times. That way, if I am hungry when I get into work, or need a sweet snack in the afternoon, I always have a healthy option right at my fingertips.

This morning, after not eating breakfast, I came into work and had the option of an apple, an orange, or a banana. Within a half hour, before I had a chance to choose a healthy option, I had three rugelachs (nuts, raisins, cherries rolled into a pastry with cream cheese - YUM), a slice of banana bread with chocolate chips, a loaf of homemade grinder bread, and a dish full of harvati cheese sitting on the counter RIGHT in front of me. Like at EYE LEVEL.

So for breakfast, I ate one rugelach, half a slice of banana bread (it had me at chocolate), and some harvati cheese on a hunk of the grinder roll.

Sometimes it is absolute hell to work in dining services. This was Recipes from Home Day so the chefs were pleased to pass along samples of the selected recipes. No arguments here.

As for the apple, orange, and banana....well, there's always tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday: Cute Drawings

Rylee: Here's a picture I drew of me and my boyfriend today

Rylee: Here's a picture of me and my boyfriend, again.

Rylee: And here's a picture....pause...of I don't know

Wordless Wednesday: She's a Good Mommy

I glanced through the pictures on my phone while waiting for Molly to get out of drama practice yesterday and found these pictures that Rylee must have taken of her babies.

She's A Ticket

For the most part, Rylee has been doing a great job of sleeping in her own bed at night. There have been a few times when she was way overtired and wanted to sleep with me that I let her and there have been a couple of nights where she woke up scared and Molly carried her into me (Molly's just awesome). Well, one morning last week, I awoke with Rylee in my bed again, for the 4th night in a row. Knowing full well that this will continue if I don't do something soon, I casually mentioned to her that from now on she needs to stay in her own bed at night. To which she replied "I was just saying that to myself".

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The last two weeks I was on vacation from work but I still sent Rylee, my 4 year old, to school, most days, so I could get some things done around the house and workout without feeling rushed (it was glorious). On Friday, the last day of my vacation, Molly, my 14 year old, was staying home because she was still in a great deal of pain from getting braces plus she was getting a sore throat and felt a little feverish. I tried not to let Ry know that Molly would be home all day but somehow she just knew, and she was not happy about it.

The two of us were sitting at the counter, eating breakfast, when she says to me "I can't go to school today because I'm sick". Knowing she's fine, I impatiently look at her and ask "Oh yeah, what's wrong with you?". Without missing a beat she replies "I think I'm going to start".

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Sometimes not laughing is the hardest part of parenting.

I need to find my THING

Every successful weight loss story starts with the THING. You know the THING that made them realize how fat they were. Or the THING that made them wake up. Or the THING that was rock bottom.

Me? I have had plenty of THINGS. There was the time that I was curled up in the front of my truck, barely able to squeeze by fat self into a comfortable position, so I could enjoy the fourth eclair from the box I bought "for the kids". There was the time that I was walking down the street and could feel my top back fat rubbing against my side back fat. There was the time that I walked up the stairs at work and was having such a hard time breathing that I secretly wondered if that was what a heart attack felt like. There was the time that I jumped up and froze when I landed so I could see how long I jiggled (5 seconds in case you too are wondering). I mean seriously, how obese is someone that jiggles for 5 seconds after motion stops. 5 SECONDS!!!! But did any of those propel me into a life style of salads and fruit and no chocolate? Absolutely not.

I think I have disorder. A disorder that is the complete opposite of anorexia. My problem is that I don't see how fat I am; and I KNOW that I am. For some strange reason, I still choose to see myself as pretty and athletic instead of bloated and fat. The images I see of me are not real, just like an anorexic.

Reality is; I have never been thin but I was always okay with that. Seriously. My ideal self is 180 pound size 12 woman. At 180 pounds I was very comfortable and had no desire to lose weight. I was okay with the jiggle in my stomach and ass. I was okay with the double digit clothes. I was okay with it because I was healthy and I felt good. I could run 5 miles and go mountain biking and play soccer with the kids. I could eat a candy bar if I wanted to without any thoughts. Did you read that? Without ANY thoughts. I can't even think about the last time I ate something without debating it beforehand, eating it anyway, and then feeling guilty or angry for doing it. I mean seriously, is that sick or what. Why all the THINKING about food????!!!! It's ridiculous. And it appears, that ever since I have set out with goals about my eating habits, I have steadily climbed the scales. It's because every weekend I am going to start on Monday, and every Monday I am going to just finish off the day. And every Tuesday I am going to start on Friday, because Fridays were once lucky days for me. And now, at 225 pounds, I need to STOP thinking about the food. I need to STOP setting goals. I need to STOP obsessing about this.

One of my psychology professors once told us to NOT think about polar bears. Whatever we did or whatever we thought, we were NOT to think about polar bears. And guess what? Every newspaper, or yahoo or page, or text book, had a polar bear in it. Every hour in the day I thought about polar bears. I had all kinds of images in my head. Big polar bears. Little polar bears. Swimming polar bears. Playing polar bears. Get the picture? The more I was NOT to think about polar bears, the more I thought about them. The same goes for eating; "good" or "bad" eating.

So going forward: I am NOT going to think about food. I am never again going to write out what I will eat the next day. I will never again feel guilty about what I ate. I will never again waste any more energy on thinking about food.

Stay tuned.....

Learning to Relax

It's hard for me to sit still. I've always been one to go, go, go. There's always someplace to be, something to do, and someone to see. Home is just a place to sleep, shower, and house our clothes and sports equipment. Weekends are busier and crazier than the work week. Even holidays and vacation days are jam packed with action. In fact, I was so busy this winter that I had to schedule a personal day off from work JUST so I could finally go snowshoeing. Something that I used to do all winter long!!!

But not this week. Or next. Two full weeks off from work AND the kids are in school AND hockey has ended AND travel lax and soccer have not yet started. OH MY GOD. What to do what to do. I was so excited the first morning I had to write everything down that I want to accomplish during this time: reorganize the attic, spring clean every room in the house, clean the xterra, workout without time limits, go to a matinee by myself, have lunch with friends, catch up on the blog, go trap shooting, read a book, lose some weight, etc, etc, etc.

So far I have tackled a few of those things. The good news is that working out without time limits is the one that I have enjoyed the most. It's been especially great that the weather has been so awesome so I could actually be outside for a change. The REALLY good news is that I don't really care if I don't get to all of those things, like reorganizing the attic, because I mean who really cares? But the REALLY REALLY good news is that a few hours of each day so far this week....I do nothing. Literally, nothing! And I don't feel guilty about it.

Hmmmm......me relaxing without guilt. Awesome!