8.8 miles yesterday!

It's been tough training for this half because I can only run once a week. My feet can't take more than that. They need the recovery days! The race is next weekend and I only have one more day of running to prepare!!!!

I am hoping to run (I say run but it's really a run/walk combo) 11.5 miles on Monday or Tuesday and then I'll have the race on Sunday morning. I just want to be able to complete in less than 3 hours and feel somewhat confident I will.

Prepping for the Half

So I did great this morning. Went to the YMCA at 5:30 after dropping Cody of at early morning hockey practice and did an hour of nautilus and weights. Three sets of 10-12 reps doing 12 different exerices. After dropping Rylee off to school, I went back to the Y and ran 2 miles in less than 22 minutes followed by spinning where I did 17 miles in 45 minutes. After that I jumped into the pool and did 12 laps in 22 minutes.

Procrastinating Princess

I am procrastinating. Right now, right this minute, I am supposed to be running/walking part of the 6 miles I committed to doing this morning. At 7:00. It's now 7:30. I'm sitting at the computer writing this entry rather than just getting my fatass out there in the freezing wind to begin my half marathon training. Technically, it began two weeks ago but after two days of following the training schedule I created for myself, I got the stomach bug which lasted three days and then I could feel the beginning of plantar fascitis kicking in. That gave me something I didn't realize I wanted...my excuse set to NOT train. I've done nothing since. But that changes today - I HOPE!

To the Man You Would Have Been

While lying in bed drifting off to sleep, I find myself thinking of you, again. Just like so many times on so many days throughout the year, but especially today. Every November 10th for the past 15 years. The thoughts I have this November 10th are different than usual though. I always think of the guy you were: the great, fun-loving, stubborn, competitive, well-rounded, super funny brother that I love so much.

This year, for some reason, my thoughts are consumed with the man you would have been. The uncle you would have been. The husband you would have been. And the amazing father you would have been.

This year I'm wondering what your trade would be, what truck you would drive, where you would be raising your family, what your house would look like, and how many times you would be here at home with us each year. I wonder if there would be family hunting trips, summer vacations, Thanksgiving dinners, and fight to the end Scrabble matches.

This year I'm wondering if you would be meeting Ronnie for opening day on Saturday, heading up to the Deerfield with Roger every spring, or fishing the Hoosac with Travis. I wonder if you would, every once in a while, have an all night poker game with all your high school buddies and if you would still be lucky like you were way back when.

This year my thoughts are somewhat selfish because I think about the brother you would be to me now. The sister-in-law I would have. The nieces and nephews I would have. And the cousins that Molly, Cody, Rylee, Josh, and Madelyn would love so much.

This year, instead of memories of who you were, I have images of who you would have been and this year, I miss that man more than ever.

"It rains the hardest on the people who deserve the most sunshine."

Struggling today but know that I will be fine. Gave myself four things to accomplish today and will start with another four tomorrow.

Inching My Way Back to Normal

I have felt, for a long time now, that I am just not where I need to be or doing what I need to be doing.  I have felt like there is something missing.  Like I don't belong.  I am not used to feeling that way.  I have always been secure with everything in my life.  Every decision, every move, every detail.  I never second guess myself or wonder if I made the right choices.  If I am not secure with something, I address it and move on.  

So these feelings of missing something, of not belonging, of questioning my life, are completely new to me.  Especially when everything in my life seems to be on the right track.  The kids re doing well (in fact, they are just awesome and I am so lucky to have such great kids), I am working towards my masters, work is alright, the house and yard are in order, and we finally have sleeping arrangements that work for all of us.  So what is up with these feelings of insecurity?

I have made so many changes in the last few years that are good, but along the way I feel as though I lost who I am.  Not in a bad way, just in a different way.  I figure I am growing and morphing into someone new that I don't really know yet and it will just take some time to realize who the new me is.  But maybe that is wrong.  Maybe I am just not taking the time to do the things that make me who I am, or have always been.

Cody and I took a ride with a good friend to her house in Heath on Friday night.  I was in the passenger seat so I was able to look around and observe the area.  An area that I forgot how much I love.  As we drove along Route 2, winding our way back and forth along the Deerfield River, I could look up and see the spectacular contrast of the river running deep in the valley of mountains.  It brought me back in time and that felt good.

Then on Sunday the kids and I and some friends headed back up to the Deerfield to go tubing.  It was an awesome afternoon, and weekend, and a sweet reminder that I need to take time for the things that I enjoy....which will get me back to where I need to be.

Birthday Wishes

Another year has come and gone without you by our sides

Missing you every day but especially today on your birthday

...and especially this week when the raw memories are heightened by Jacob's death and burial