Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Inching My Way Back to Normal

I have felt, for a long time now, that I am just not where I need to be or doing what I need to be doing.  I have felt like there is something missing.  Like I don't belong.  I am not used to feeling that way.  I have always been secure with everything in my life.  Every decision, every move, every detail.  I never second guess myself or wonder if I made the right choices.  If I am not secure with something, I address it and move on.  

So these feelings of missing something, of not belonging, of questioning my life, are completely new to me.  Especially when everything in my life seems to be on the right track.  The kids re doing well (in fact, they are just awesome and I am so lucky to have such great kids), I am working towards my masters, work is alright, the house and yard are in order, and we finally have sleeping arrangements that work for all of us.  So what is up with these feelings of insecurity?

I have made so many changes in the last few years that are good, but along the way I feel as though I lost who I am.  Not in a bad way, just in a different way.  I figure I am growing and morphing into someone new that I don't really know yet and it will just take some time to realize who the new me is.  But maybe that is wrong.  Maybe I am just not taking the time to do the things that make me who I am, or have always been.

Cody and I took a ride with a good friend to her house in Heath on Friday night.  I was in the passenger seat so I was able to look around and observe the area.  An area that I forgot how much I love.  As we drove along Route 2, winding our way back and forth along the Deerfield River, I could look up and see the spectacular contrast of the river running deep in the valley of mountains.  It brought me back in time and that felt good.

Then on Sunday the kids and I and some friends headed back up to the Deerfield to go tubing.  It was an awesome afternoon, and weekend, and a sweet reminder that I need to take time for the things that I enjoy....which will get me back to where I need to be.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Birthday Wishes

Another year has come and gone without you by our sides

Missing you every day but especially today on your birthday

...and especially this week when the raw memories are heightened by Jacob's death and burial

Emotionally Charged Week

The death of a teenager is heart-wrenching.
The death of teenager at his own hands is heart-wrenching.
The death of teenager who is a classmate to my daughter is heart-wrenching.
The death of a family friend's grandson is heart-wrenching.
The death of friend's best friend's son is heart-wrenching.
The death of a relative to many people we know is heart-wrenching.

The death of a 15 year old who writes "Goodbye" on his Facebook page is haunting.

For the life of me, I can not stop thinking about this boy and his family.