Saturday, August 22, 2009

Floating Along With a Little Help

I never saw myself here. To be honest, I never really saw myself anywhere. I am just not one of those people who has goals and follows them, for the most part. I kinda just float through life, work hard, enjoy my friends and family, and see where life takes me. It's not a bad thing. It works for me. But every once in a while, I sit and think about where I am. Most of the time, I am in a good place. Sometimes, I am in a slump but know that things are okay. Every once in a while, I just can't bring myself out of a funk...but only for a couple of days.

Today? Today I am in a slump, and I'm not really sure why. Work is going well. Home is the most organized and clean and in-need-of-repairs free it has been in years. The kids are awesome. I am feeling healthy, eating right and exercising. BUT, something just isn't sitting right inside myself today.

I wasn't really sure what it was until about an hour ago. That was when I was skimming the Help Wanted ads and spotted "OFFICE MANAGER of medical practice". Something I have done and enjoyed. Something that paid well and challenged me. For a split second, I thought about sending a resume, just for the heck of it. Not half an hour later, Cody was reading the paper and read the same ad out loud to me. So I started to really think about it. And I started weighing out my options (as if I was offered the position already - what a dork!). And what I came up with is kind of sad and disappointing. And definitely eye-opening.

Right now, I work 30 hours a week at one of the largest employers in the area. The pay is not great but the benefits are tremendous, the commute is a mere 3 miles, the people are awesome, and the work is easy. Too easy. But that is okay because I knew when I started that it was an entry level position and my foot in the door. My history with employment has always been that I start off low on the totem pole but move up rather quickly, in pay and responsibility. It has always worked for me. And to be honest, when I started here, I was still in school full time, my house was a disaster, the kids and I were dealing with not one, not two, but FOUR major life changes in the span of just 9 months, and I really just needed a no-stress position, close to home and school. It was perfect.

Except that I can not provide for my family. Not without help. Help in the form of food stamps, MassHealth insurance, daycare vouchers, and fuel assistance. So I provide the love and shelter but the government provides pretty much the rest of life's necessities for me and my children. Just. Great. Most times, I know that the help was designed for people like me. People working and honest and not scamming the system. But every once in a while, I feel like a failure. And when that happens I start to question my choices in life. Like "maybe I shouldn't have left a promising career in DC to move back home to family after the birth of my first child". Or "maybe I should have just stayed working at that awful doctor's office 45 minutes away instead of quitting after I passed the teachers test to finish school". And the best one "maybe I shouldn't have pushed away from failed relationships". Those questions answer themselves though. I made those choices, not based on money, but based on love and based on the fact that not making those choices would have made me and the kids different people. And I like who we are. And so do they. But still.....

.....somedays I hate having to depend on the government. So when I see the job like I did today. I think about what it would take. There's a line that can't be crossed. Make too much and you get cut off. I rolled the numbers around in my head and what I came up with is....I need to make $20,000 per year more than I do now, just to maintain the life we have now (which isn't much but we are fine with that). So, the job probably would pay about that, but then I would be working 40+ hours per week and I would be traveling 45 minutes each way. Now I have carved into a large portion of my family time, time that I never get back. Time that I watch them play hockey, lacrosse, soccer, and gymnastics. Time that I drive them to doctor, physical therapy, and orthodontist appointments. Time that I am just not willing to give up so I can feel like I don't have to depend on the someone, or something else. Sometimes, it is okay to not be so independent all the time. And sometimes, I need to give myself a break.

So, no resume will be sent. No interview will be had. I know I am where I am supposed to be and I have faith that when the time is right, I'll cross that line with a position and the income that will make it worth it for me and the kids. Until then, I'll just have to deal with the occasional "slumps".....by writing things out or talking with a friend. Thanks for reading.