Monday, March 30, 2009

I need to find my THING

Every successful weight loss story starts with the THING. You know the THING that made them realize how fat they were. Or the THING that made them wake up. Or the THING that was rock bottom.

Me? I have had plenty of THINGS. There was the time that I was curled up in the front of my truck, barely able to squeeze by fat self into a comfortable position, so I could enjoy the fourth eclair from the box I bought "for the kids". There was the time that I was walking down the street and could feel my top back fat rubbing against my side back fat. There was the time that I walked up the stairs at work and was having such a hard time breathing that I secretly wondered if that was what a heart attack felt like. There was the time that I jumped up and froze when I landed so I could see how long I jiggled (5 seconds in case you too are wondering). I mean seriously, how obese is someone that jiggles for 5 seconds after motion stops. 5 SECONDS!!!! But did any of those propel me into a life style of salads and fruit and no chocolate? Absolutely not.

I think I have disorder. A disorder that is the complete opposite of anorexia. My problem is that I don't see how fat I am; and I KNOW that I am. For some strange reason, I still choose to see myself as pretty and athletic instead of bloated and fat. The images I see of me are not real, just like an anorexic.

Reality is; I have never been thin but I was always okay with that. Seriously. My ideal self is 180 pound size 12 woman. At 180 pounds I was very comfortable and had no desire to lose weight. I was okay with the jiggle in my stomach and ass. I was okay with the double digit clothes. I was okay with it because I was healthy and I felt good. I could run 5 miles and go mountain biking and play soccer with the kids. I could eat a candy bar if I wanted to without any thoughts. Did you read that? Without ANY thoughts. I can't even think about the last time I ate something without debating it beforehand, eating it anyway, and then feeling guilty or angry for doing it. I mean seriously, is that sick or what. Why all the THINKING about food????!!!! It's ridiculous. And it appears, that ever since I have set out with goals about my eating habits, I have steadily climbed the scales. It's because every weekend I am going to start on Monday, and every Monday I am going to just finish off the day. And every Tuesday I am going to start on Friday, because Fridays were once lucky days for me. And now, at 225 pounds, I need to STOP thinking about the food. I need to STOP setting goals. I need to STOP obsessing about this.

One of my psychology professors once told us to NOT think about polar bears. Whatever we did or whatever we thought, we were NOT to think about polar bears. And guess what? Every newspaper, or yahoo or page, or text book, had a polar bear in it. Every hour in the day I thought about polar bears. I had all kinds of images in my head. Big polar bears. Little polar bears. Swimming polar bears. Playing polar bears. Get the picture? The more I was NOT to think about polar bears, the more I thought about them. The same goes for eating; "good" or "bad" eating.

So going forward: I am NOT going to think about food. I am never again going to write out what I will eat the next day. I will never again feel guilty about what I ate. I will never again waste any more energy on thinking about food.

Stay tuned.....

Friday, March 27, 2009

Learning to Relax

It's hard for me to sit still. I've always been one to go, go, go. There's always someplace to be, something to do, and someone to see. Home is just a place to sleep, shower, and house our clothes and sports equipment. Weekends are busier and crazier than the work week. Even holidays and vacation days are jam packed with action. In fact, I was so busy this winter that I had to schedule a personal day off from work JUST so I could finally go snowshoeing. Something that I used to do all winter long!!!

But not this week. Or next. Two full weeks off from work AND the kids are in school AND hockey has ended AND travel lax and soccer have not yet started. OH MY GOD. What to do what to do. I was so excited the first morning I had to write everything down that I want to accomplish during this time: reorganize the attic, spring clean every room in the house, clean the xterra, workout without time limits, go to a matinee by myself, have lunch with friends, catch up on the blog, go trap shooting, read a book, lose some weight, etc, etc, etc.

So far I have tackled a few of those things. The good news is that working out without time limits is the one that I have enjoyed the most. It's been especially great that the weather has been so awesome so I could actually be outside for a change. The REALLY good news is that I don't really care if I don't get to all of those things, like reorganizing the attic, because I mean who really cares? But the REALLY REALLY good news is that a few hours of each day so far this week....I do nothing. Literally, nothing! And I don't feel guilty about it.

Hmmmm......me relaxing without guilt. Awesome!

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Day After 40

Soooo, I turned 40 yesterday. And as much as I have been looking forward to the BIG DAY, it was pretty uneventful for me. Work, gymnastics for Rylee, 10 minute dinner at Subway, science fair for Cody (eventful for him...he did make it to the next round YEAH!!), hockey rink, laundry, bed, sleep.

I did look at myself in the mirror for a bit in the morning. Definitely noticed the bags rimmed with dark circles that seemed to have found a home under my eyes. Definitely noticed some deep lines around the eyes and now around my lips. WTF? DEFINITELY noticed the glimmer coming from the sides of my head when I pulled my hair up (so not just the patch of grey on top of my skull anymore). SO.GLAD.I.DID.THAT.

Let the fun begin....this old hag is ready for it!